Reflecting on Challenges

Reflecting on my relatively short playing career (16 years of seriousness) I find that I'm constantly learning and never really mastering.  I was in a class today and the Director made a good point to his kids "If you think you've mastered this part, you're wrong.  Even professionals who make the big bucks [or don't] will be the first to admit that they are still learning."  No kidding.
 
I know that I don't make the big bucks, but I'm a hardcore serious player.  I've never really put a Clarinet down for longer than a couple months, and that is always necessitated by a lack of time.  I remember being able to do things in 10th Grade that seemed simple in 11th Grade, and then again in 12th Grade.  Every day from when I graduated from college to now I've improved a million percent.  I'm growing, I know I must be, but it's so hard to tell sometimes.
 
If you have a bad reed day you feel like you're awful.  The only thing you hear is a rough buzzing sound or the sound of swirling spit and you think "Ugggh, I suck!"  I don't, but it's hard not to think that.
 
I would go to auditions in High School and College and think at every one "I SO hope that today's my day" like I wasn't prepared or something.  I never thought for one second that I was "the man" or "the guru" (a title given to me by my assistant director.) 
 
I was constantly tinkering with my playing back then, just like I am now.  I know when I went off to college I sat down in my first lesson with my Clarinet prof. and he said "So, what do you really want that you don't have?"  My response was technique, bottom line, I thought I had none.  His response was "Ok."  No, "Oh yeah, you really have horrible fingers, etc, etc, etc."  Just "Ok"
 
We talked a little about the state of my playing and I referenced someone who went to my High School AND went to the same college who was like 5 years older than me.  I said "I want to be as good as ___________."  His response was "You're better than __________ when they graduated from college, right now." 
 
Dang, that's nice.  I sort of walked around thumping my chest for a couple days until I was confronted with all the little issues in my playing.  Then I came back down to earth pretty quickly.  Looking back on it, my teacher was doing the same thing.  He's an incredible player, but as I see it now he was totally messing with his playing too.  He had, as I feel I do now, a massive understanding of playing, literature, etc, but he wasn't satisfied.  How do I know?
 
I remember hunting for literature and him just pulling things off the shelf.  The time he came up with Hindemith's "Acht Stucke" and saying "Let's try this" was pretty interesting.  It's a piece for unaccompanied Flute, I guess that says it all.  It felt like a challenge "Can you learn this?"  I bet it was also a personal challenge "Can I teach you this?" 
 
I loved the challenge.  I played many pieces like this and every one had the same caveat attached "Can you learn this?"  I guess that's where I'm at now.  Can I make this tweak to my sound?  Can I slightly change my tooth position on the mouthpiece and make it stick?  Can I start opening the first finger completely on Altissimo C# and D?  Can I totally eliminate the "spit sound" even if my reed is horrible today or too soft today?  Can I learn a tight french vibrato? 
 
Every time I want to make a change it's always spurred by this thought "Man, I suck!"  Now, I know I don't, but I can't help but feel that way sometimes.  My Director in H.S. used to always advise everyone to keep around them papers and tests you got incredible grades on because sometimes you need to be reminded that you can do this, especially when you feel like you can't.  I've got plenty of things like that around me as assurance, but I'm never going to get TOO into them, because if I do I'll get a big head about me. 
 
I guess everyone's in this state of flux.  Man, I rock.  Man, I suck.  Not in a Manic sort of way, it's just that sometimes you're doing great and sometimes you're not.  I hope I'm always trending up, that's all.  I get concerned that I might be going backwards.  Sometimes, just like in life, you have no idea what to do to not be going down.  Sometimes you have a pretty good idea what to do but you aren't sure how to enact your ideas, and it's hard not to get down on yourself because you don't know what to do.
 
It's so hard to fall back to this sometimes, since we're human and prone to stupidity:
 
Phillipians 4:13(NKJV)  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.   
 
Part of the strengthening must be the quest for betterment, but it's still of Him who shows you the way.  It's a delicate balance between striving and improving.  It's so hard to find the place where you can say "This makes me better and I'm not acting like a raving lunatic to get there."