No More Emotional Drain

Starting in 2001, I joined a community band here in the area.  We played all kinds of music, conferences and conventions.  I basically did the bulk of the bass clarinetting in a section that is beset with very nice people.  The section has changed slightly over the years, and I even took a 5-year hiatus from the group.

When I came back to the group, I was having a VERY hard time in my personal life.  So, playing was a good thing to do because I was so distracted by everything.  I had just gotten my contra and alto, and I started using the three-way setup in the group, essentially, to entertain myself.  I played some very good stuff, but I was mostly doing it for me.  It doesn't pay, so that was not the issue.

We played a conference this year, and the whole experience aside from the concert was a nightmare.  I had to spend ten minutes earlier this season explaining to the director that I shall not play with a bland tone.  I spend a good deal more time explaining the breadth and resonance in my sound as it relates to a band that is so big it shouldn't be a problem.

If you've ever dealt with a manipulative person, you know that they are working very hard to point all the conversation at them.  Everything is about making them look good, and even more is about making sure they look smart.  They change little details in stories hoping no one will notice, and they tell these stories to tons of people who were not there.  Manipulative people change history, and they are very good at making you feel bad because they are being a jerk to you.

If you have dealt with the same manipulative person on and off for nearly 25 years, you get used to their tells.  I mean, you never start out thinking they're manipulating you, but when you realize what is really going on, it's hard to ignore.  Because you're a nice person, you don't say anything.  You try to be as chill as possible, and you go on about your life.  However, there comes a time when you have to cut ties.

My life is very drama free.  I don't like drama, and I have close friends who don't like drama.  MY family doesn't like drama, and I'm not a teenager anymore.  When a band director uses you (and your classmates) as a teenager to make themself look good, it's kind of sad when you repeat the pattern (in my case twice) when you are an adult.  Some people have a "respect cup" that is bottomless, and they are going to make you fill it all the time.  There are band directors like that you who live on respect.  It's a drug, and when you don't play by their rules, they single you out (sometimes in EXCEEDINGLY subtle ways) to make sure that you fall in line.  I don't fall in line like that anymore, and so I have to remove myself from the situation.

The fact is that the majority of the people in the band are happy because they don't know any better.  That's fine.  There's no reason for me to mess with that, but I won't be party to it anymore.  I literally have too much going on to care anymore, and I need to focus my energy on projects that I know I can release this year.  I can really do something, but I can't if I'm constantly listening to someone who is trying to get their respect cup filled.  You may say that that's selfish, but you have to remember that I know what I'm worth.  I don't get paid to perform a service that is highly valuable, and I have to listen to the constant barrage of manipulative banter which, even though it no longer works on me, is upsetting to listen to.

I just finished writing lyrics for an album, half the music is done, and I am going to record the melodies in the next couple weeks.  The children's book may get a boost because I may have found an artist, and I have a thousand things I want to release digitally.

So, if you're experiencing drama in your life, it may be time to walk away or create some distance.  You don't kick over the table and tell everyone to fuck off, but maybe it's time to get out of the situation and try something else.  If you're a student who is stuck in the situation, hang in there as best you can.  The best advice I can offer is this:

1.  You're worth more than they say
2.  You have a long life after this to live
3.  I especially prefer when Lorelai explains to her mom the way she acts.  She tells her that she chooses to laugh at Emily's insanity and narcissism.  That is where all the jokes and sillyness come from.  She uses humor to get around the fact that she knows she is being manipulated in every conversation.  Choose to laugh at how silly it is on the other side, do something else with yourself and move forward.  You don't always just move on, but you can move forward.