Why The Big Bang Theory Could Teach School Music Teachers A Few Things

School music is a cold and cruel place.  For the most part, you have to know someone to get where you want to go.  So, it actually has nothing to do with innate skill or hard work.  Hard work isn't rewarded for teachers -- brown-nosing is.

That stretches all the way into the classroom where kids are pushed to their limit, for the most part, to get a rating or a score.  That rating or score really doesn't do anything for them, but it DOES give a boost to the Director's reputation and THAT'S what it's all about, right?

Wrong.

You know how you get an NBA (National Band Association) Citation of Execellence?  Pay the dues and get one of your friends to give you one.  That's it.  It is rarely connected to actual merit -- just, who you know.  Again, buffeting the Director's reputation and bio in the name of education, but at the cost of time at home for both the Director and their students, many students' self-respect, and some harsh words.

Look at The Big Bang Theory.  It's one of the most beautifully written shows ever.  If you've never watched it start now, but I can fill you in.

Leonard (Johnny Galecki, who used to play David on "Roseanne") is a physicist and his three best friends are Sheldon, Howard, and Raj.  You've got a physicist, engineer, and astrophysicist there.  They're brilliant people.  Penny (Kaley Cuoco, who is undeniably drop-dead gorgeous) moves in next door.  From the PILOT Leonard says, "Our children will be smart AND beautiful."

Four seasons into the show, as of today, and Leonard and Penny have misfired, miscommunicated, been together, been not-together, been together again, and broken up.  However, the CRUX of the show is "Leonard and Penny are each other's soulmates, period."  How long it takes them to figure that out gives us more and more hilarity with every new episode because everyone on the show is so funny.

However, Penny and Leonard are growing up and learning how to nurture each other in a completely unlikely relationship.  She's a wannabe actress from Nebraska and he's a freaking genius.  They're so mismatched, but the writing and acting is so good how could you NOT want them to eventually end up together?

It's a beautiful thing to be lauded (for the superb acting, especially of Jim Parsons as Sheldon Cooper), to be celebrated (because people should GROW in love with each other), and commended (because it isn't vulgar or stupid -- it's authentic.)

So, as a school band director I'm touched by it.  However, I actually care about something other than my bio and how many times we've gotten superior ratings.

Now, take this lovely show with a lovely premise and put it in front of your classic student-mauling, rating-seeking, over the top director and they will likely see little value in it at all.  They won't care if Jim Parsons is a comedic genius, or if Simon Hedberg is oddly likable, or that Leonard and Penny's relationship is still beautiful even if they haven't figured it out yet.

They truly love each other and that is how well the show is acted.  How can you NOT be affected by how those two people feel about each other?  Penny beats a girl's ass because she feels like said girl is taking advantage of the guys.  She's a caring person.

How do ratings-seekers find no value in this lovely little show?

There's nothing in it for them.  Nothing to add to them bio.  No superior rating.  Just beauty. Beauty they can't comprehend or that they can't take credit for.

Watch the extras on the DVD's for this show and Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady (the creators and head writers) give ALL the credit to the cast.  They just heap on praise about how beautifully the cast acts their scribble-scratch they threw down in the writer's room.

Yet, a school band, orchestra or chorus director will sit at their desk ALL DAY with their feet up and hands casually behind their neck regaling ANYONE who will listen about how THEY did this and how THEY did that.

That's not beauty.  That's total, uncontrolled, ridiculous, disgusting, egotism.  It's exactly the opposite of the Big Bang Theory.  A place where even Sheldon can learn to hug Penny when she gives him a great napkin, Penny can love (nearly unconditionally) a guy who is not her type, and Leonard can finally learn to express to his soulmate how he really feels.  THAT is art.  THAT is beauty.

Superior ratings be damned.  I'll take this sit-com anyday over some pontificating jackass who pretends he or she built the world in five days and bested God.

Long live beauty and the art of The Big Bang Theory.  Be gone ye rigid, conceited, rating-seeking, egotism.  I like my art with a couple nerds, some honest emotions, and some tender hearts.  Isn't that what your band, orchestra or chorus should be made of?

PS -- Feel free to steal my idea if you get it, but don't pass it off as your own.  We have it here in black and white on the internet that I wrote it down first :)

Haven't You Ever Had A Bass Clarinet Thought?

When was the last time you looked at your instrument and had a thought consumed with hope for how well playing the horn would go that day?

Know Your Literature

I received a very encouraging note from my college Clarinet teacher yesterday.  Basically, it made my whole college experience.

So, today Iw as poking at literature and reminding myself that I need to know "my" literature.  Not everybody else's.

In that same vane I can still add to my literature, but only slightly.  To date I hold onto:

Echange...Xenakis
Duo...Loevendie
Parable...by a friend (trust me when I say it's about 10 minutes and it's a bitch to play)
Waltz...by a college colleague.  He just needed to write it for a class, but I like it to this day.
Acht Stucke...Hindemith (it's actually for Flute)
Syrinx...Debussy
Carnival of Venice...Herbert L. Clarke
Towards the Crest...Robert Carl
Six Studies in English Folksong...Vaughn-Williams
Interludium from Six Dances...Phillip Martin (my favorite because I love ripping the hell out of it)
Voltage...DuBois
Bach...Cello Suites
Rhapsody...Osbourne

As I write this I'm definitely taking on the Mozart.  What could possibly go wrong?

There's more, but for now I'm committing to taking down the Mozart--just for funsies.
This should be good...

Bass Clarinetists Are Idiots Sometimes

So, today I did someone a favor.  I ran over to a rehearsal to lend out one of my instruments to someone who's playing in a conference in a couple weeks.  Apparently, this person's instrument wasn't treating them nice.

No big deal.

I bring my horn over and I asked that that person's instrument be present so I could take a look at it.  Now, basically, I have four theories about instruments that "don't work".

1.  It's a mis-adjustment of the throat A key.  Too tight and the Ab may be slightly open.  Too loose and air will leak out of the key.  It needs a little "play", but not much.

2.  A mal-adjusted low G or A.  Some Bass Clarinets have all kinds of adjustment screws down there for low G and low A.  Some have vent keys for low A and some don't.  Keeping two adjustment screws in balance, OR getting the right level on just one could be difficult.  Sometimes, an inexperienced Bass Clarinetist (even if they are a seasoned musician or Clarinetist) may not be able to play through a slight mis-adjustment of this key.

3.  Odd bending of keys and adjustment plates around low B or Bb.  There's all kinds of systems designed to deal with these keys, but sometimes they're just bent too.

4.  The person just flat doesn't know what they're doing and they are AFRAID.  Yes, AFRAID.  I even had a sane person who is a specialist on Bass Clarinet tell me that they played this instrument and sometimes it squeaked weirdly, etc.  Fear makes you do stupid things, and it makes you play badly.

I boil all this down to stupidity.  You have to REALLY know the instrument and you really have to know its tendencies.  Not the tendencies of just your instrument, but the tendencies of the Bass Clarinet in general.

So, though the term "idiot" may seem a little harsh, it's all I've got.  If you're not learning this stuff as you're playing then you just aren't using you brain.  That's the hard and fast truth.

I played a perfectly good instrument today because of someone else's fear and lack of knowledge.  Though it's frustrating it's not surprising.

When will we learn?

On Conducting: The Beginning of Beginnings

Conducting in the morning sucks.  No, it does.  Every early morning feels like Monday and the colder it gets the worse it gets.  If your rehearsal space has windows anybody near those windows is freezing and the pitch is all over the place.
 
Just imagine going to your favorite holiday sale and everyone is bundled up and when the employee opens the door they look not-so-enthused.  You know why?  They're hurting too.
 
Now change that story around.  You're the employee and the players are the shoppers.  They rush in (because they typically have more energy than you anyways) and you get trampled.
 
Think about it this way -- no two rehearsals are the same.  They're just like snowflakes.  Were I you I'd do the following things:
 
1.  Start your early rehearsals a little late.  Let everyone warm-up and practice on their own and warm-up the room.  Bodies make the room warmer and the use of air to play instruments produces latent heat which will warm-up the room.  Even if you've only got 45 minutes you'll spend the first ten minutes being cold.  Spend those ten minutes letting the people warm the room up.
 
2.  When you get on the podium fake it like there is no tomorrow.  You can acknowledge THEIR tired state, but not yours.  Act like you're hopped up on coffee and any other stimulant that doesn't seem completely illegal.  Trust me, it holds their attention.
 
3.  Kick them in the face.  Hard.  Work them harder than they've ever been worked.  If the room is warm and you're looking like a maniac you can usually get anybody to do anything early in the morning (even if it's four million below zero outside.)
 
That's the beginnings of beginnings.  No drudgery.  No yawning.  No complaining.  No wasted rehearsals.  
 
Just hard work and a little room to breathe before you start the day.

On Conducting: How Much Help To Give?

Yep, I'm a conductor.  I work from the podium everyday.  I love how band directors all say the same thing, "Don't help the kids too much because they won't be independent!"

Well, as cute as that is, don't you think you have to show the kids what you want?  There's got to be some wiggle room given for the conductor to show the ensemble what he wants.  Period.

The only route to independence is being told over and over what good musical decisions are.  If you're conducting every little nuance of the rhythm or the melodic line you're teaching the kids that each note has meaning.  If you act like a badass and give the ensemble nothing they might be able to play all the right rhythms, etc.  However, they won't be able to play those rhythms and notes with any meaning behind them.  With any feeling.

Yes, even the most mundane rhythms from a rhythm exercise book like Grover C. Yaus' "101 Rhythmic Exercises for Band" can be musical.  If you help long enough you'll hear a change in the way the kids play.  You can't just pump out "right" stuff and expect it to be good enough.  Being right only gets you so far.

Do you know how many "right" renditions I've heard of scales and exercises that sound completely vapid?  It happens everyday.  We can play them right, but making them into an "exercise" that is not conducted, poorly conducted, or simply "passed over" isn't helping.  Sure, it breeds order, but it doesn't breed improvement.

That's why middle school bands in Japan play Grade 6 literature.  They don't screw around like we do here.

Let's just say I teach very young kids.  They play band instruments and our best group plays repertory from Grade 6 pieces.  They play very difficult music.  Not all the time and not in mass quantities, but they do play it.  However, they are playing what kids that are 3 years older play all the time.  We don't mince notes in our band.

In four or five years we'll be doing nothing but playing major literature.  Why?  Because we don't waste time.  Oh, and I help out.  I conduct every single little thing.

When I can't fit something in I tell them, "I can't conduct every single little thing", but they can handle that.  They learned how to make musical decisions whilst being given every little musical detail from the podium.

The podium looks great for most people because they love power.  That's not what the podium's for.

It's for good.  It's to help.  It's for music.

A Setup Is Just A Setup

You've got two choices when you put your setup together.  You can:

A)  Buy all the expensive everybody on the message boards says you have to buy is you're "serious".

or

B)  Get stuff that works for you.

Hard reeds are not a red badge of courage.  Closed tip mouthpieces are not the mark of a true professional.  And expense is not the hallmark of good equipment.

You know that nasty stock mouthpiece that comes in a rented instrument?  It works just fine.  Charging $250 or more for a mouthpiece does not make the mouthpiece maker an "artist", "craftsman", or even good at his job.  It just means his mouthpieces are exorbitantly expensive.  Too bad a good reed and a similar mouthpiece that is half as expensive or less would play almost exactly the same way.  Mouthpieces only matter in your mind's ear (and my mind's ear is not comfortable spending $500 on a mouthpiece.)

You know the relatively soft reeds you started on in middle school?  They work just fine too.  In fact, they'll work for a really long time until your embouchure is strong that you just can play the soft reeds anymore.

What about that plastic instrument that's a little leaky?  It plays just fine.  If everyone started playing on a $10,000 horn then no one would have any real skill at playing the instrument.  You have to build character playing instruments that aren't perfect.

That's why you hear about pros going to gigs and finding their horn doesn't work.  They aren't used to playing on unregulated equipment and a tiny little leak stumps them.  All that time you spent on a leaky horn will pay off when you need it most.

I'm going to hand a young student a plastic Bass Clarinet that's never been overhauled, never been regulated, that has been rained on, snowed on (just once), marched all over the place, been subjected to drastic temperature changes, with a stock mouthpiece and some soft Gonzalez reeds tomorrow and that kid will play the horn just fine.

Why?  Because they don't care if the horn is nice or not.  They just want to play.  To them:

A setup is just a setup.