Starting in 2001, I joined a community band here in the area. We played all kinds of music, conferences and conventions. I basically did the bulk of the bass clarinetting in a section that is beset with very nice people. The section has changed slightly over the years, and I even took a 5-year hiatus from the group.
When I came back to the group, I was having a VERY hard time in my personal life. So, playing was a good thing to do because I was so distracted by everything. I had just gotten my contra and alto, and I started using the three-way setup in the group, essentially, to entertain myself. I played some very good stuff, but I was mostly doing it for me. It doesn't pay, so that was not the issue.
We played a conference this year, and the whole experience aside from the concert was a nightmare. I had to spend ten minutes earlier this season explaining to the director that I shall not play with a bland tone. I spend a good deal more time explaining the breadth and resonance in my sound as it relates to a band that is so big it shouldn't be a problem.
If you've ever dealt with a manipulative person, you know that they are working very hard to point all the conversation at them. Everything is about making them look good, and even more is about making sure they look smart. They change little details in stories hoping no one will notice, and they tell these stories to tons of people who were not there. Manipulative people change history, and they are very good at making you feel bad because they are being a jerk to you.
If you have dealt with the same manipulative person on and off for nearly 25 years, you get used to their tells. I mean, you never start out thinking they're manipulating you, but when you realize what is really going on, it's hard to ignore. Because you're a nice person, you don't say anything. You try to be as chill as possible, and you go on about your life. However, there comes a time when you have to cut ties.
My life is very drama free. I don't like drama, and I have close friends who don't like drama. MY family doesn't like drama, and I'm not a teenager anymore. When a band director uses you (and your classmates) as a teenager to make themself look good, it's kind of sad when you repeat the pattern (in my case twice) when you are an adult. Some people have a "respect cup" that is bottomless, and they are going to make you fill it all the time. There are band directors like that you who live on respect. It's a drug, and when you don't play by their rules, they single you out (sometimes in EXCEEDINGLY subtle ways) to make sure that you fall in line. I don't fall in line like that anymore, and so I have to remove myself from the situation.
The fact is that the majority of the people in the band are happy because they don't know any better. That's fine. There's no reason for me to mess with that, but I won't be party to it anymore. I literally have too much going on to care anymore, and I need to focus my energy on projects that I know I can release this year. I can really do something, but I can't if I'm constantly listening to someone who is trying to get their respect cup filled. You may say that that's selfish, but you have to remember that I know what I'm worth. I don't get paid to perform a service that is highly valuable, and I have to listen to the constant barrage of manipulative banter which, even though it no longer works on me, is upsetting to listen to.
I just finished writing lyrics for an album, half the music is done, and I am going to record the melodies in the next couple weeks. The children's book may get a boost because I may have found an artist, and I have a thousand things I want to release digitally.
So, if you're experiencing drama in your life, it may be time to walk away or create some distance. You don't kick over the table and tell everyone to fuck off, but maybe it's time to get out of the situation and try something else. If you're a student who is stuck in the situation, hang in there as best you can. The best advice I can offer is this:
1. You're worth more than they say
2. You have a long life after this to live
3. I especially prefer when Lorelai explains to her mom the way she acts. She tells her that she chooses to laugh at Emily's insanity and narcissism. That is where all the jokes and sillyness come from. She uses humor to get around the fact that she knows she is being manipulated in every conversation. Choose to laugh at how silly it is on the other side, do something else with yourself and move forward. You don't always just move on, but you can move forward.
Showing posts with label anxious. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxious. Show all posts
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Saturday, March 21, 2015
Is Anxiety Normal In Music?
The short answer is no, it's not. If you feel extra anxious all the time, you are dealing with a real disorder that a therapist can diagnose. I was anxious nearly all the time for over 30 years before I realized "Hey, that might be a problem." Students today are anxious for a number of reasons, but I was recently reminded of ways in which anxiety is used against people (especially kids.) If you feel like you need someone to talk to, please go to see a licensed therapist or counselor.
#1: Great People Don't Get Nervous
Well, that's not true. Pavarotti used to wretch before every performance because he was so nervous, yet he's considered the greatest tenor to ever live. Hmmmmmmmm. I also once heard someone say that "You know you're supposed to be doing something when you don't get nervous." That could not be further from the truth. People who care get nervous, people who don't care don't feel a thing.
#2: You're Just Getting Yourself Worked Up
Well, little kids do that when they don't get what they want, but that ends REALLY quick. They can turn it on and off because they are trying to get what they want. When you are "worked up" and you don't know know why or you can't turn it off, you are most assuredly not "getting yourself worked up."
#3: People Who Use Your Anxiety Against You
I think my college band director was the absolute worst in this area. First, you need to understand that there are band directors out there who think playing mind games with you is going to produce a great band. If you feel like your director is messing with your head, you need to report them. I'm not saying you need to get them fired, but someone needs to sit them down and tell them to stop. Many times, these are well-meaning people who learned this technique from assholes....they don't see the error of their ways because they think it's normal. If they get one talking to about it, they usually realize how messed up it is.
Anyways, people saying things to you like "if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen" is rude, disrespectful, unfounded and unprofessional/unethical. My college band director used to say that to a flutist in the band, and now she has a doctorate in performance. So what if she got extra nervous? Does that suddenly make her a bad person and player? No, but that is exactly how he made it sound, and the pall in the room when he made these comments was apparent. Again, that shit is not right, and it has to stop.
#4: Getting A Little Push
This does not include facing your fears. If you have massive performance anxiety, there are healthy ways to tackle it. If you could never imagine playing a recital by yourself, maybe you could do a chamber recital with a couple friends so you're not alone. You may also want to ask your counselor or therapist what they think would help. Getting a tiny nudge is not abusive...getting shoved on stage by someone is abusive. There's a big difference.
#5: Your Anxiety Is Not A Joke
I will never forget the time I heard a band director tell a girl in the band that she was a good player...until she got a boyfriend. That was in front of the WHOLE band. I recall distinctly that it was a new relationship, and she was trying to juggle that, hoping it would work out (because he really was a nice guy) and all her school/band stuff. Or, my college band director telling me that "If you're so anxious, why do you want to stand on a podium and talk to people?" First, I never said I was anxious, but we had a conversation where I admitted personal things to him that he twisted around to make me feel bad. That's not right.
Anyone who is using your anxiety as a joke or treats anxiety like a joke in general is someone to be avoided. Again, if it is someone in authority over you, you need to report them. In 2015, you are more than likely going to get some kind of relief when you do so.
#6: Can You Be A Good Musician?
I watched people quit their music major left and right when I was in college. They changed majors for a variety of reasons, but I know for sure that many of them just felt this overwhelming anxiety that they did not feel when they changed their major. One girl told me (on changing her major to psychology) that it was just simpler. Since we know that psychology is not simple....you can do the math.
You can be a great musician if you're anxious, you can be the best musician in the world if you're anxious, and you are not broken if you're anxious. Anxiety sucks, and intense anxiety sucks even more, but it is not a catch-all to tell you that you can't do something. The simple fact is that you can do anything you want when you surround yourself with people who understand you.
(This is the point at which someone will say "Well tough, that's the real world and people don't have to cater to you." I never said anyone should cater to you, but being a little understanding is just common decency. If you are confronted with people who suck, you can always turn to your friends at the end of the day for comfort. If you feel alone, the world of Tumblr is pretty big, and there are some nice people on it. If you think you'll never find people who understand you, I promise that you will. It may take some looking, but they're out there somewhere.)
Who you surround yourself with and who you encounter, those are two totally different people groups. The people you surround yourself with are the two, three, four people who know ALL your shit. I mean all of it, and they're still around. Those are lifelong friends. Everyone else is someone you encounter. You can deal with the people you encounter when you have people surrounding you. Just don't forget the difference, and don't think you have to do it alone, because you don't. You're not broken, anxiety is real and it is crippling for some. We should all have a little compassion where it's concerned.
#1: Great People Don't Get Nervous
Well, that's not true. Pavarotti used to wretch before every performance because he was so nervous, yet he's considered the greatest tenor to ever live. Hmmmmmmmm. I also once heard someone say that "You know you're supposed to be doing something when you don't get nervous." That could not be further from the truth. People who care get nervous, people who don't care don't feel a thing.
#2: You're Just Getting Yourself Worked Up
Well, little kids do that when they don't get what they want, but that ends REALLY quick. They can turn it on and off because they are trying to get what they want. When you are "worked up" and you don't know know why or you can't turn it off, you are most assuredly not "getting yourself worked up."
#3: People Who Use Your Anxiety Against You
I think my college band director was the absolute worst in this area. First, you need to understand that there are band directors out there who think playing mind games with you is going to produce a great band. If you feel like your director is messing with your head, you need to report them. I'm not saying you need to get them fired, but someone needs to sit them down and tell them to stop. Many times, these are well-meaning people who learned this technique from assholes....they don't see the error of their ways because they think it's normal. If they get one talking to about it, they usually realize how messed up it is.
Anyways, people saying things to you like "if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen" is rude, disrespectful, unfounded and unprofessional/unethical. My college band director used to say that to a flutist in the band, and now she has a doctorate in performance. So what if she got extra nervous? Does that suddenly make her a bad person and player? No, but that is exactly how he made it sound, and the pall in the room when he made these comments was apparent. Again, that shit is not right, and it has to stop.
#4: Getting A Little Push
This does not include facing your fears. If you have massive performance anxiety, there are healthy ways to tackle it. If you could never imagine playing a recital by yourself, maybe you could do a chamber recital with a couple friends so you're not alone. You may also want to ask your counselor or therapist what they think would help. Getting a tiny nudge is not abusive...getting shoved on stage by someone is abusive. There's a big difference.
#5: Your Anxiety Is Not A Joke
I will never forget the time I heard a band director tell a girl in the band that she was a good player...until she got a boyfriend. That was in front of the WHOLE band. I recall distinctly that it was a new relationship, and she was trying to juggle that, hoping it would work out (because he really was a nice guy) and all her school/band stuff. Or, my college band director telling me that "If you're so anxious, why do you want to stand on a podium and talk to people?" First, I never said I was anxious, but we had a conversation where I admitted personal things to him that he twisted around to make me feel bad. That's not right.
Anyone who is using your anxiety as a joke or treats anxiety like a joke in general is someone to be avoided. Again, if it is someone in authority over you, you need to report them. In 2015, you are more than likely going to get some kind of relief when you do so.
#6: Can You Be A Good Musician?
I watched people quit their music major left and right when I was in college. They changed majors for a variety of reasons, but I know for sure that many of them just felt this overwhelming anxiety that they did not feel when they changed their major. One girl told me (on changing her major to psychology) that it was just simpler. Since we know that psychology is not simple....you can do the math.
You can be a great musician if you're anxious, you can be the best musician in the world if you're anxious, and you are not broken if you're anxious. Anxiety sucks, and intense anxiety sucks even more, but it is not a catch-all to tell you that you can't do something. The simple fact is that you can do anything you want when you surround yourself with people who understand you.
(This is the point at which someone will say "Well tough, that's the real world and people don't have to cater to you." I never said anyone should cater to you, but being a little understanding is just common decency. If you are confronted with people who suck, you can always turn to your friends at the end of the day for comfort. If you feel alone, the world of Tumblr is pretty big, and there are some nice people on it. If you think you'll never find people who understand you, I promise that you will. It may take some looking, but they're out there somewhere.)
Who you surround yourself with and who you encounter, those are two totally different people groups. The people you surround yourself with are the two, three, four people who know ALL your shit. I mean all of it, and they're still around. Those are lifelong friends. Everyone else is someone you encounter. You can deal with the people you encounter when you have people surrounding you. Just don't forget the difference, and don't think you have to do it alone, because you don't. You're not broken, anxiety is real and it is crippling for some. We should all have a little compassion where it's concerned.
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